the patrick incident pt.IV

his email said roughly this:

"hey Thom, the site's going up on friday. we need a logo before that. thanks."

i looked at the clock: it was wednesday. and yes, my clock said wednesday.

so i made one. i made 15 of them for him actually. he mailed back with his pick and a couple of tweaks for it which i made and sent back to him.

he never said anything after that. never sent me the address of the site either. it's too bad cos i would've liked to see what the hell he was up to.

i did however try. i sent him another email about two weeks ago (~ a month and a half after i did the logo) that asked what he was up to and how the site was.

if he ever replies, i'm gonna send him a bill for my work.

but i think he's probably in jail.

the patrick incident pt.III

i needed to get home.

i worked at the liquor store in less than an hour.

things were winding down in the bathrooms, so i approached Patrick about a lift.

"yeah no prob. you sure you don't wnt to come smoke a volcano with me though?"

he explained it as an elaborate beer bong that you get drunk and high from at the same time. i politely declined. so out in the parking lot he gets a call, so i just follow him quietly to the car. but it wasn't his car. he picked my up in a fancy Audi, but here we were standing next to a crappy Dodge Neon. he turns to me, still on the phone, and says:

"i need you to drive."

"uh, where are going"

"just the train station. i need to pick up the car."

but, ah, um, okay, said my brain. so i squeeze my lanky ass into the driver's seat and drive Patrick to the train station so he can drive me home in the car at the train station which i presumed to be the Audi. so i pull up next to the Volkwagon Rabbit he's pointing at and he gets out of the car, i turn off the Neon and get out when he turned to me.

"no, no, no. i need you to drive that car and follow me in this car."

but, ah, um, WHAT, said my brain.

so we'd been driving the cars for five minutes when i lose him. he goes through a yellow and i hit the red. fuck. i call the number he gave me: it's his office, not his mobile. FUCK.

so there i was: driving his not-his car i can barely fit in to somewhere i don't know where with ANYTHING in the trunk and not my name on the registration, and Patrick was gone. FUCK.

over the crest of the hill, there he was, pulled over so i could continue our journey. 25 to 30 minutes later, we pull up in front of a house (which he explained to be his girlfriend's) and we get out of our cars. we head on in and he asks if i mind waiting while he takes a shower. so i waited. i sat in Patrick's girlfriend's living room while Patrick was in the shower. he then drove me home (not without asking again if i wanted to smoke that volcano) and i went to work AMAZED that i was not dead or in jail. thank god that was over i thought.

about a month later, i get an email in my inbox.

the patrick incident pt.II

the entire time he was explaing all this my brain was screaming.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THE INTERNET WORKS!?

"wow, Patrick, that's pretty awesome."

so we got to the Joey Tomatoes just before 11:00 and we met two other people there. Patrick sprung for some appetizers and everybody (except me) got to talking about how everybody else was cos everybody fucking knew everybody else. over the next hour, roughly a dozen more people came in and sat with us. i found out that many of them were unemployed or contract workers or bankers or going to school or or or who the fuck were these people? everyone was confused by my portfolio, but were very impressed when they looked at it. so that was something. Patrick passed out markers and post-it notes and took down everyone's contact info. i think at this point i knew there was no job for me since this was just a huge networking circle-jerk for Patrick (he even took the waiter's number) so i decided just to roll with it.

after collecting all of the sticky notes, Patrick stands on a chair in the restaurant and explains to everyone what he told me in the car on the way over. he then asks the waiter to bring over not one, but TWO bottles of Dom Perignon (retail $231 per bottle according to my store); however, the waiter let's us know that there's a huge party coming in and we're in the only place in the restaurant big enough to seat them. Patrick offers that since our party is nearly finished, we could just move to somewhere else.

so there i was: downstairs in the lobby-outside-the-bathrooms drinking $231 champagne with 15 people i didn't know and a waiter, getting my picture taken because i was going to change the god damn world.

but that isn't the end of the story.

20 Steps

it works like this:

imagine Google Street View, but taken by artist. but for like every city ever. and there's a new photograph every 20 steps.

he explained it as an outsourced website that he can run soley from his macbook that is an interactive earth. each photograph would be like walking through the streets with integrated online interactivity. if there's a bus stop in the picture, you could hover over it and it'd count down to the next bus. shops who pay to be included on the site would have people be able to click on their shop and "go inside" where they can online shop for selected items. now, he'd charge people a fee for being on the site, but it'd be less that what it is to advertise in the phonebook, so everyone is going to do it! he said 17th ave alone (one street in one city) would generate over $150K per year. do you know what that means, dear reader? Patrick has an unlimited supply of money he can run off his macbook.

now, you'd need a head office in every major city centre. if each head office needed to be re-carpeted, they go to a company in Taiwan. instead of buying the cheap polyester carpet for cheap, they opt for the more expensive wool carpet (due to the endless supply of money). now, this carpet is less damaging to the environment to produce, but the little Taiwanese company doesn't have a big enough factory to meet the demands of 20 Steps. so 20 Steps pays for their factory upgrade and now the company can make this more expensive but more enviro-friendly carpet for cheap.

20 steps down the street, 20 steps in the right direction for saving the planet.

the global reccession and unenvironmental business have got nothing on Patrick.

the patrick incident

okay, so i've been meaning to blog about this for quite some time now, but it's always felt too long to type out. so i'm doing it at work where there's fuck all to do right now and emailing it to myself to blog later.

the Patrick incident took place... about 3 months ago i think. it must have been just before my birthday; beginning of june.

it went like this:

i was working at the liquor store one night when this over excited guy comes in. he's too stoked about something to really concentrate. he's dressed in nice jeans and a blazer; looked like a young business type. he asked me what the best/most expensive tequila was and if it tasted as good as it cost. as i rung him through my til, i noticed his debit card was a company card. it said "Patrick ****; Mitchell and Company." i asked him what sort of company he worked for and all he said was that he was going to change the world. that week. i asked in jest if he was looking for a graphic designer and for a second he seemed to get very serious.

"yeah. you know one?"

"yeah, actually: me."

"no shit. here's my number, we're meeting tomorrow. call me"

so he writes down an email and a phone number on a bit of paper and rushes out the store in a quite eccentric manner.

the next morning i called him. i figured what the hell, the worst that could happen is this turns into a funny story...

so i gave him a call at around 10:00 and he said the meeting was in an hour. he followed with a "i'm in a car, where do you live? i'm on my way." so 15 minutes later i've got a nice shirt on, my portfolio, and i'm standing in the street not knowing what to expect. he pulled up in a shiny Audi and we were off to the Joey Tomatoes in Chinook centre. i thought that was kind of strange, but people have lunch meetings all the time. also, i knew that this was gonna be too bizarre to say "no" to at this point. Patrick thought it was strange i had my portfolio with me. that should have been my first clue.

along the way, Patrick gave me the rundown of how he was going to change the world.

he called it "20 Steps"